Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Moments that Mattered

The Best Compliment I Ever Got
Friend to Me: Boss, If you write... you are a writer...

The Worst I was ever abused
(Different) Friend to Me: Ay bhaire... dikhta nahin hai kya???

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Slumdog Thrill-ionaire

We are a divided people… yet again…

And this time it’s a film…. It’s the Slumdog's film

It wasn't very long back when it was so cool to rave and rant about this wonderful (???) little film about this kid from Dharavi who makes it big.

Now, for many, it suddenly is so uber cool to run down the Slumdog film as anything but cool. Those singing hosanna a few weeks ago have now turned up their snot-filled noses and talk about the same film as:

  • Yet another instance of the foreign hand's cinematic exploitation of India’s poverty (Not one shot of the skyscrapers or the multiplexes man… what the f@#k... Is Dharavi all we have to show to the world)

  • An eighties potboiler all dressed up in Hollywood chique (Imagine if Subhash Ghai had made this… would they take it to the Oscars...haan…) Wait man... this ones easy… it even has Anil Kapoor… only... he would have been playing the role of the teenage millionaire if Subhash Dada had laid his hands on the script first

  • One of the masters lesser works (b@nc##t... theek hai yaar music… par saala Dil Se, Roja type nahin hai. Even f#@%ing Delhi 6 has such mind blowing numbers man…. Par saala Hollywood film hai… is liye chal gaya… l@udu saala…)

  • A foren film… (What the hell man… Everyone is behaving like its an Indian film yaar…. stupid d!@#heads... It’s a Howlywood film dude… we have nothing to do with it… ch@tiyas)
And where I say is the great Mr. Mutha-lick. I am so waiting for him to open that smelly trap of his. Where is he when we need him. Busy licking his mutha like a nice Mutha-licking cat??

And when are we going to make this an election issue boss... Are they crazy... its election time soon.. get down to dharavi... ban the movie... I cant believe this... have our politicians suddenly discovered a conscience???

Jokes apart... I agree. I do agree to an extent, with all the above (not mutha-lick mind you). They did show poverty and Mumbai does have another swanky side. Maybe an Indian could have made a better film… someone like Anurag Kashyap could have worked wonders with the subject. Rehman does get better with age… this is definitely not his best… his best is yet to come. This IS not an Indian Film.

What I don’t understand is this… it is the same film… nothing changed in the last few months. The book has been out for years… It was written by an Indian... no one complained all this time. So what changed in three months…

  • Is it more intellectual (and therefore more swanky) to be snobbish and go against the tide… to be seen as someone with an independent mind and an independent opinion
  • Are we living in denial... The film was not about Karan Johar's next door neighbours... It was based on a book about an underdog from the slums... who makes it big... Karan Johar's neighbours could be dogs (owned by a real millionaire) but they definitely not underdogs... no way...
  • Is it that we just cannot stomach success by our compatriots
  • Is it that we just cant view the film impartially just because it was made in our backyard… and… again… yet again... we missed the bus… we lost the plot… somebody whisked away OUR success story from under our noses AGAIN (like mutha from under Mr. Mutha-licks nose)

As for me... I loved the film.... absolutely loved it. And I haven't seen it yet. Probably wont ever. That's the way it works with me. Either is see it in the first week or my lazy bones just refuse to move by body and take me to the theatre.

I loved the film because I would love anything that acts as a catalyst to bring our countrymen international recognition.

I would love anything that can bring that 1000 wat smile to the face of that little kid from Dharavi who happened to find himself teleported from the grime, the dust and the shit of his everyday life. Teleported straight to a dazzling red carpet that might just fly and take him to his dreams. The dreams that he had dare not dreamt of just a year back.

If the movies are about dreams... dream on slumdog... Life ain't all shit all the time...

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I had a dream. Oh, I had one of those bigger ones. A big car. One of those big ones that you buy and imagine yourself driving down the road and everyone drops everything and looks at you with their eyes wide and mouth agape.

And...In my dream it actually happened… I drove down the road and everyone looked at me with their eyes wide in astonishment. I could almost read their mind. The eyes were actually wide. The mouths were really agape. A child asked his mother “What is this thing mamma??… Why does it croak? It is a Big Froggy, no??”

“Yes my child” I wanted to tell him “It is a big froggy that uncle…no… sorry... bhaiyya... It’s a biiiiiggggg froggy that bhaiyya’s mechanic dissects every month in his metal laboratory.” Children are sooo cute, no. Can I choke one to death please?

I dreamt that I bought this car for my mechanic. At least, that is what it seemed. The man, in his almost shoulder length Caribbean hairdo, dark glasses, long!! Shorts (are they Bermudas… does any one wear them anymore), floral shirt, rum breath, a$$H@@!# drove my car more than I did. I could almost see his gleeful smile and his hair blowing in the wind as he took the 500th post repair trial. I could see his golden tooth sparkling in the sun (this wasn't true… made it up in my dream… was frustrated… please understand). His father, of curly hair fame, thanked me when I paying him. “Tank You” ha baba, lemme know if any ting happens, Ok.”

These ‘Ting’ happened like shit happens.

I dreamt that I had bought the damn car second hand. Yup. I know you are grinning too. You B!tc#. I was always smart. Born smart. I am a work of art. Just like a whistling fart.

Why pay all that dough for a new car when it depreciates like a D!@k after a fu@K. Might as well buy a good (???) second hand car and save all that money. You idiot… you.

So, in my dream, I went to this friend’s (???????) brother’s wife's uncle’s wife’s brother’s nephew, who happened to be a car dealer. “Mere rishte mein hai yaar… kidhar aur jaega to maamu banega”. Reassured, I went forward with my head in the sky and my feet in my a$$. And as it turned out, my friend WAS right. Barabar bola tha… maamu nahin bana…

Ch@t!ya ban gaya…

This smooooth operator. This grease bag. This fat pumpkin sold me a bigger pumpkin. He made me feel good about pumpkins. “Boss”, he said, “Boss, Yeh pumpkin hai naa… ekdum best hai. Aur pumpkin ka color to dekho, hain. Pumkin kya dikhta hai boss. Kya lagoge aap jab aap pumpkin ke oopar baithoge. Pumpkin mein ek baar bait ke to dekho. Wah! Kya Pumpkin hai sirjee”. In retrospect, all that remained was this small round pumpkin pulling his d!#k out (after finding it somewhere, hidden under multiple layers of meat) and getting off on the bigger “pumpkin”. Well, he did sound as if he was getting an orgasm.

I was his relative’s friend. So he thought he should pump-kin. He must have. That’s what my friend, in the dream, said a few months later when the engine screamed WHORE WHORE one morning. Horny pumpkin… my pumpkin.

And the things that happened to my pumpkin... apart from screaming out for WHORES every couple of months (a mating cry which, by the way, was answered, at lightening speed by the wannabe Caribbean mechanic slut), it found new ways to deprive me of my hard earned money between each WHORE cry. Oil leaks suddenly sprouted and when the mechanic had fixed that with his D!@k, it was time for the pumpkin to land on its ass as the suspensions gave way. Then the Air conditioning thought that that its only objective in life was to warm the cockles of my heart.

I contributed too. I loved my car, so I took it swimming. In the rains, that is. Then I pampered it more by buying it a brand new engine made by (guess who???) a Caribbean.

Now, in my disturbed sleep, I saw that my pumpkin has gone crazy. It has lost its gears. Literally.

And I am finally about to take a post pumpkin meal dump. Anyone who likes pumpkin… please give me a shout. I promise to sell you the most expensive pumpkin shit ever.

Who knows, you might just make it to the record books as the proud and bankrupt owner of the most expensive pumpkin... if you do manage to convert shit back into pumpkin.

Kya lagoge aap jab aap pumpkin ke oopar baith ke jaoge, sirjeeeeeee.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Making a Case for Singledom

I am now pushing the outer limits of what our society defines as being of a “marriageable age”. My friends who have grown up with me appear to be falling like nine pins all around me. As they fall, I see a number of these strong fellow dissenters turning conformists. At every given opportunity, on every given occasion, over every single drink, after every few sentences, these new born believers make all possible efforts to draw me into their ranks.
In no time have they moved from drawing up lists of potential downsides to sermonizing on the many apparent virtues. Non-acceptance and strong arguments against these sermons are now looked down upon as “poor” excuses of an unreasonably adamant mind.
And add to that mix a very strong portion of "concerned" relatives. If you dont get the picture yet... your possibly married...

But I refuse to be cowed down. I stand tall as a dissenter. And my rationale… Tim Harford has been able to articulate my thought process best in his book “The Logic of Life”, he writes:
“Imagine a young man who is thinking of trying a new drug. He knows that everybody who tries it loves it, at least at first. Then some users find their lives degenerate into an increasingly desperate and futile attempt to recapture the initial buzz, leading to the pain of cold turkey or the anguish of eternal, unfulfilling addiction. Others seem to enjoy the highs and remain quite content for the rest of their lives. He has no way of knowing into which category he will fall. Is it rational for him to ingest the drug?
Now, replace ‘drugs’ with ‘marriage’ and ‘quitting’ with ‘divorce’ in the above paragraph.

I am yet to know, with any degree of certainty, on the category that I belong to. And I am happy to wait patiently for enlightenment.

And while I wait, I am busy enjoying every minute of ignorance. I am free. Free to come and go as I please without having to answer to anyone. Meet, interact and love as many wonderful women as I can. Indulge in as many vices as my conscience allows.
Free from guilt and free from the sort of personal responsibility and accountability that, to me at least, appears to add little value. Free to put the most productive phase of my life to optimum use.
For those who make a case for the need for companionship in the long run - In the long run we are all dead. Why bother.
I am happy. I love my life mate… And I don’t do drugs :-)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My Blog Rules...

I have no idea on what I will write here... I don not know why I blog... I don't even know if I can write... write well that is. What I do know is that I need a release.

And that is probably all I will do. Vent.

It is possible that over a period of time, the content on the blog will automatically fall into some sort of pattern. But I will make no attempts to achieve that deliberately.

I also promise to refrain from making deliberate and concious efforts to think of topics to write on.

I don't know who will read this. It does not matter if no one does.

I don't know if I can write and contribute to the blog religiously. I don't think that I have the discipline to write regularly and I will make no efforts to make a disciplined effort to do so now. I will write only when I want to and when I feel like . And if I ever write again, I don’t claim that I may have something specific to write about.

This blog is likely to be a narcissistic effort at self indulgence.

I promise myself never to make a conscious effort to read, re-read and edit once I finish writing.

I will refrain from making any efforts to be politically correct.

I will express myself even if I am likely to hurt sentiments - even my own.

I will be spontaneous (if I ever write again).

I will not refrain from naming names

I will forever be incognito. Yes. I am a coward.

I will not claim that the rambling on this blog are opinions or statements that I have absolute and complete belief in. My opinions will change as the information that I have changes.

I will contradict myself. Across different blog entries and even within each blog entry

I do not claim that I will never plagarise.

I will, in all probability, never stick to the edicts that I have stated above.