Dream Afresh & Work Around

I sit by a waterfall
Refreshed and elated
By the lemony sweet newness
That comes up to greet me
After water meets stone
And a random spray leaps in joy
With wetness and life
Drenching my exhilarated soul

Then the eyes, they open
To a vision of illusory grandeur
The King is on his throne
He, the lord of nothingness
His empire weighed down and numbed
By the repercussion and the sullenness
Of a dreary existence
And biting bytes of the executive kind


The mind should now shut up and get back to work

"Tag Ka Saamna" aka "Iss Tag Se Mujhe Bachao"

I have been tagged... by Choco... so here goes...


1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4
Under the influence of the landowner’s smile, in whose….
Salman Rushdie’s Midnight Children

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?
Ok… reached out… grabbed some air… Yikes… caught something smelly… Did someone fart???

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
NDTV India… Salman Khan is buying an IPL team to compete with Sharukh Khan… go figure… does anyone care…

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?
1:15 am?

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
1:18 am.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Sania Mirza and Somdev Burman have reached the second round in the US Open… good news… on CNN IBN

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
A hour and a half back. Left office to come home.

8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?
My blog…

9. What are you wearing?
A grey pyjama.

10. When did you last laugh?
When I answered question no. 2.

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint.

12. Seen anything weird lately?
The mirror…

13. What do you think of this quiz?-
Yawn!

14. What is the last film you saw?
Little Zizou… on DVD… a delightful little film

15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A book… on how to spend it overnight….

16. Tell me something about you that I dunno!
I live exactly 402 miles (647 kms) from the Palolem beach in Goa.

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Nothing… sometimes things are not great… at other times they are dreadful… but everything has a reason… the wheel of creation and destruction has to be kept in motion… consciously we create... subconsciously we destruct... the wheels turn...

18. Do you like to Dance?
I like to prance…


19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Huh! Gajgamini

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Supandi

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Not forever… not for long… I care too much for my Indian Passport to exchange it for another… I have had opportunities… I choose to live here. There, in my opinion, is nothing that you can do abroad that you can’t do in India.

22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Son… Here are my papers…. 1 month notice… When do I start the hand-over…


Ok... done... I pass this on to anyone unfortunate enough to have the low IQ levels required to even consider answering this... like me... of course...

If you are proudly stupid... like me... and decide to take up this tag... let me know... i promise to come over and cry while I read the rubbish written on your blog...

Ek Michael Ki Maut - Myshtery Rejolved

Choco recommends in shudh Hindi that I write about Rakhi Ka Swayamwar. "Web dainiki mein unke swayamvar ke barien mein chapne ka prayas kare toh hum use padne ka vachan detein hain." After that barrage, all of which I don't understand - who has the courage to say no.

I cant write much about the show. I have only watched one episode. A re-run.

This is how it all occurred.

I was surfing channels. I landed on this strange one. And then I saw her. She was dressed in pink. “Mujhe Aishwarya se bhi khoobsoorat brides banna hai” she blabbered.

The earth shook.

I cringed... puked... lost my appetite... then my mind… developed suicidal tendencies... screamed… jumped off a building... and died...

I entered Heaven. I walked around. I saw a Rakhi Sawant look-alike. Dancing.

Someone told me that it was Menaka.

I overreacted. I slapped her.

The Go-On-Darling sent me to hell.

I reached hell. I sensed respite. But it was short-lived.

I was in for a shock.

The devil is a fan. He is her creator. He named her Raakh-I and sent her to earth to recruit fresh ass-in-instants.

Now he awaits her return. He was impatient and angry.

I heard that she refuses to come back. “I likes Aarth too much” she tells him “All aarth-with-lings waant to marie me”.

I think she means earthlings. I also think she means marry. I could be wrong.

The devil, unable to take the pain of longing and separation, has taken to his bed. He is found there all day, roasting in a forever-melancholy mood.

He is now called the Dev-ill.

Over a period of time, I came to realise that the temperature in hell varied considerably. I asked someone called Atom Bhai Narakhia the reason for the temperature change.

He exploded.

He screamed that it is the bloody Dev-ill’s ass-in-instants keeping him in humour. Apparently, the temperature increases each time an ass-in-instants tells Dev-ill that Rakh-I is cumming. I think they mean coming.

Or maybe not. I don’t know. I was too busy getting roasted.

I got the devil to curse me and send me into exile - to the nether world.

Now this was easy.

I tried to explain to the horny fellow “Rakh-I isn’t cumming right now. Period.”

I don’t think Dev-ill understood. He was fuming. I had abused his Ash-wariya. He was in flames.

He went on to foam at the mouth and then promptly threw a fit.

I tried to get him to smell my slipper.

He spat on me and I found myself in netherworld - enveloped in the Dev-ill's spit bubble.

There I stayed suspended for no-time. Then one day after bursting the bubble with a pin (don't ask me where I got that from) and through a small window in time, I found my way back to earth. I came to realise that I was now a ghost.

“She has had it now” I thought to myself. “I shall haunt this Raakh-I to death”

I found her. It was easy.

I just asked one random Johnny “Oh Boss… Yeh Shaadi kidhar hai??”

He pointed towards Rajastan.

Soon, I found her and tried to haunt her.

“poo” I squeaked.

I meant to say "BOOOO." God promise.

She looked at me. She raised her eyebrows. “What a hots bhooth” she said “Itna safeds safeds aur mujhe pyar se poo bhi bulata hai. How cutes”.

“Mujse shaadi karoge” she sang.

I was shocked. She wasn’t scared of me. She wanted to marry me.

I asked her why.

“These facking Indian mards wants marries me” she wailed “They wants vergen”

“Please marry me bhooth. Please say yes. Yours my Shahrukhs and I ams your Gauris. Now come on byabye… lets do the marries”

Suddenly her mood swung again.

“I am pavitra bharatiya naari and I ams vargen… but no one believes my surgeon,” she told me.

Things were getting sad. I tried to change the subject.

I asked her if she uses botox

“How dare you” she screamed “I am a vargen.”

Suddenly I found her doing an item girl version of Madonna.

“I do not mean anything wrong” I squeaked “It was an innocent question”

“Then ok jaanu” she said as she fluttered her cute fake eyelashes “Yes jaanu… I use my botox…. every mornings… for the shits”


I couldn’t even die….



In short - earth, heaven, hell, netherland or Neverland (apparently Michael got a phone call just a few minutes before he visited his doctor)... there is no respite from Rakhi Ka Dimaag-pe-vaar

Cock-Raj

Something has come over me. I was trying to write a short story, which has been lying dormant in my mind since Adam was a boy.

However, the only thought that seems to come to my mind is… cockroach.

"Now, why is this dimwit thinking about cockroaches and then writing about them on his blog?" This, I must confess, is a fair question to ask.

Truth be said. I have no answer.

I have very little control over this dim meandering mind of mine…

Therefore, I cast aside the short story and write a blog post on this pet… peeve…

I convince myself that if my fellow bloggers can write brilliant posts about cats and dogs – Then I should be allowed the liberty to write about cockroaches. Cockroaches are, after all, the creation of the same almighty that created you, cats, dogs, and me.

Now, there are some amongst us who will argue, and rightly so, that only if I had a cockroach as a pet, would I be worthy to write with authority on cockroaches.

I would therefore like to point out that this post does not intend to sermonise about the virtues of having a cockroach as a pet. This post is about a little problem I have and a brilliant plan I have in mind to cure myself of this minor irritant.

I am terrified of cockroaches - especially the big ones with wings.

For some inexplicable reason, the ones that do fly… fly straight at me. There seems to be this peculiar attraction that I hold for them.

Now there are those who have had the opportunity to witness this. They have gone right ahead and formed a number of theories to explain this strange phenomenon.

Some say that it is quite possible that, in my next life, I am destined to be a cockroach. Or it might turn out that I was a cockroach in an earlier lifetime. Others debunk the reincarnation theory and believe that I am destined to turn into a cockroach during this lifetime itself. Wouldn’t that be magical?

Finally, there are those, who to my face, tell me that I am nothing but a cockroach and that it should not surprise me when I attract others of my specie. I have often wondered if these are the only truthful people on earth. It maybe so, that the world is nothing by an illusion, and in this illusionary world, I, a cockroach, look at myself in a mirror and see myself as a man.

Anyway. I digress. As I was saying, cockroaches tend to fly straight at me. When such global calamities strike and cockroaches fly, I tend to mutate very quickly into a superhero. I mean, I can fly and jump over buildings. My superhero avtaar, however, does not need a cape and at times can be found flying around with only a dirty red (and sometimes yellow) underwear. Much collateral damage is caused and many innocent people come to harm when this strange Superhero takes off – with a cockroach hot on his heels.

Now, for those of you reading this and thinking to themselves “what a wuss”, I would like to set matters straight and state that I am not usually a scaredy-boo. I do not, for example, fear scorpions or snakes or mushrooms.

I have, on multiple occasions, had the opportunity of close acquaintance with each of these creatures and have found them to be quite harmless if not friendly.

Then why do I fear puny cockroaches? This most pertinent question deserves a long and lengthy answer, but to cut it short and say it in three words ( I have been found guilty of many a long blog post) – I don’t know.

Finally, after many years of living in fear and many cockroach-human chase sequences, I have, after much thought, decided to face up to my fear. No, I do not plan to spend a night in a casket full of cockroaches. I do not intend to compete in Fear Factor – and lose my life to cockroaches on national television.

I have instead formed a simple and implementable plan. I will adopt a cockroach and bring her up. Yes, my cockroach will grow up to be a daughter to me. I will teach her to crawl, send her to school, protect her from insecticides, lizards, and cats, teach her to fly high, eventually get her married. I plan to grow old and die in the company of my flying grandchildren. Finally, in their company, I will rid myself of my fear of cockroaches.

And yes, for those that have got here and are convinced that I am nothing but a nut, allow me to agree with your brilliant assessment. I am, indeed, nothing but a nut.

But like all good nuts, this nut has a more intricate agenda behind his nutty plan. Please read further if you still have the courage…


Joy - Part 1
A cockroach I will adopt
And keep her, safe, on my loft
She will be a daughter to me
As wonderful as any daughter can be

I will teach her to fly
And reach for the sky
She will be safe
No harm shall come her way

I will teach her to date
I will find her a mate
Of course, she will procreate
Eight hundred times eighty into eight
Million

Ecstasy - Part 2
In time my fellow humans
Your generations shall self-destruct
Your Politics, Your wars, your bombs, your holocaust
Extinct, Kaput, Finito – Ha Ha…There… watch… these morons go bust

But Stand by and Watch Human - My lineage will survive
Be Careful Human – They will Grow, prosper, and thrive
Yes, Its Funny ain’t it Human – laugh at me in mirth
Fuck You Human – Its MY descendants who inherit YOUR earth

You think I am a nut , don’t ya
You think I overreact, fuck ya
Watch this space, will ya
Cockroaches survive holocausts, can ya
Self-destruct soon, I beg ya









Congratulation to those who have got here – You have just read the worst blog post ever. No, I don't do drugs and did not write this under influence...

To those of you who have bothered to read my blog posts until this day and have made a solemn promise never to come back again – Good Bye.

To those who plan to come back in the future – I salute you and I admire your courage.

To those of you, innocent souls, who were misled into reading this because of the blog post name and came here expecting pornography – I apologise.

Candid Four Pointers... with Skilled Sugar-coating

I have to say it. I hate to say. I have been tagged.

The misfortune that has come upon me is my own doing. I incurred the wrath of a candid friend - also my favorite anonymous blogger. She was tagged and tags can sometime put bloggers who choose to be anonymous in a tad uncomfortable position. Well, one can’t really be candid.

I tried to give her a hard time. In return – the vengeful one tagged me. Tagged by someone, who, as a norm, refuses to tag anyone.

I therefore pick up the tag and try to do justice to it.

So here goes – The Four Pointer.

Four places you have lived:
1) I have lived for the longest time and continue to live in a little suburb in Mumbai. A little more than half a century ago, the suburb was a quaint little fishing village. It has now transformed into a bustling town – known for its spiraling real estate prices, shopping, nightlife, sea front promenades, and now its increasing expatriate population. And now a sea link.

2)My coming of age years. For the first time in my life, I had to move out of Mumbai after I was head hunted and landed my second job. I relocated, for a few years, to the little city not far from Mumbai. The city, then a haven for pensioners, middle class locals and students from all over the country, was just about finding its feet and preparing itself (unknowingly) to become a poor mans replica of Mumbai – inheriting all its problems. The expressway between Mumbai and Pune wasn’t built then. I lived in all sorts of rental accommodation – from a one-room pigeonhole to a two bedroom flat shared with five other fellow savages. Freedom - I have have never had as much fun. The best days of my life – house parties, army rum, sex, chilly evenings, jackets, hill stations, rain, bikes, the first steady relationship, parsi food, failed attempts at trying to cook, nostalgia…

3)Hotels. I have lived in all sorts of hotels in countries all over the world. Good hotels, grand hotels, bad hotels, small hotels, big hotels, dodgy hotels, dingy hotels, cheap hotels and expensive hotels. I have stayed in hotels for work, holidays, after missing flights and on romantic getaways. I hate hotels.

4)Hotel Decent. Anyone who has seen ‘Jab We Met’ will remember the dodgy hotel from the movie. I have, unwittingly, stayed in place exactly like that. Picture this - The room next door creaks opens. The door closes. Animated chatter. Giggles. The sound of locomotion. Creaking bed. Giggles. Animated chatter. Door Opens. Door Closes. Twenty minutes of silence. The door opens again. Repeat.


Four TV shows you love(d) to watch:
Now this is a tough one. I have never thought much of the idiot box and I don’t really enjoy idiotic company. But still….

1) He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – I watched this animated series as a child, faithfully, every Sunday evening – with bread and jam. For some reason, I had to have bread and jam religiously, every Sunday, while I watched He-Man take on Skeletor. Another reason I can’t forget the show is a recent incident in a church during a christian friend's wedding mass. During the service, the priest asked the congregation to bow their heads and make a silent prayer. One could hear a pin drop. A little child, sitting in front, across and not far from me, took this opportunity to draw his imaginary sword, raised it towards God and screamed “ BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL. I HAVE THE POWER”. The priest quickly forgot his prayers. The congregation tittered. The mother was embarrassed and the father beamed – proud of his son.

2) Giant Robot – A Japanese series dubbed in English and another childhood favorite.

3) Man vs Wild - Bear Grylls and his hair-raising adventures. Pure adrenalin. Real.

4) MTV Roadies – Corny and voyeuristic reality TV. But the concept of a long cross country road journey appeals to the traveler in me. Also, Raghu Ram, in my opinion, is brilliant.


Four places you have been to on vacation:
1) Goa – The 12 hour drive from Mumbai is brilliant. The romance in the air, the sound of the sea, the food, the people, the unhurried lifestyle - the place is intoxicating and it isn’t just the cheap alcohol. I slept on a beach once – lulled by the sound of the waves in my ears and the cool wind in my hair. I opened my eyes to a fresh early morning breeze and watched local villagers, at peace with themselves, walking past, smiling, unhurried, for an early morning service at a local church which opened up to the beach.

2) Mangalore – My grandmother’s village. Coconut groves, mango trees and jasmine plantations. The laziest place in the world with the sweetest smelling jasmine scented air. I go there when work gets to me and when I want a few stress free and lazy days. Once there – I just sleep or put my feet up and read. Heaven.

3) Phuket – Thailand… Thailand… the ocean… snorkelling…scuba diving… corals… water sports… the nightlife… need I say more…

4) Kashid – Read Goa but closer to home.


Four of your favorite kind of food:
1) Indian – The diversity in the country is demonstrated through the variety in food options.

2) Indian Chinese Street Food – The Indianised version of Chinese food tastes best at any local street side thela – especially on a rainy evening. Triple Shcezwan rules.

3) South East Asian Food – Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese and Chinese food, the best-looking food in the world.

4) Irish Stew & Stakes - Sorry, that probably makes it five. But I cant help it. It was tough short listing five in the first place.


Four websites you visit daily:
1) Wikipedia

2) Rediff

3) Candid Talk (Cant help it – Choco is prolific, writes everyday and writes well)

4) My company website (sorry… cant disclose the name… or I wont be anonymous anymore)

5) Used to be Expressive Silence too – but she pulled the blog


Four places you would rather be:
1) Goa

2) Managalore

3) The Lake District – One of the most beautiful places I have been to and the best place to enjoy English weather (I personally find English weather to be the most fair weather in the world – I wonder why they complain)

4) Kashid


Four things you hope to do before you die:
1)Travel around India for one month. I want to travel by train in second-class compartments with no fixed destinations or plans, with a limited budget and without mobile phones or plastic money. I want to live among the people and stay in cheap hotels. I want to travel to the heart of India – to its villages, B towns and C towns – and stay with people in their homes. My destination each day and the mode of transport decided spontaneously at the spur of the moment. My fellow travelers – my books and my camera.

2) Learn the guitar and master it

3) Learn to para glide

4) Retire by the time I am 45 and then write a book


Four novels you wish you were reading for the first time:
1) The God of Small Things – A book that probably wrote itself and Arundhati Roy just took credit. Never have I read anything more magical - influencing and manipulating the imagination, making it soar high and dive deep, all at once. After every few pages – I had to lie back, let my mind take over and imbibe the magic bit by bit. The only book I have read twice.

2) The Fountainhead – A book that has had an immense influence on life. .

3) My name is Red – I did not have to read this book. It sat up and spoke to me. All its characters, animate and inanimate - had life. Brilliant narrative

4) Swami and Friends – For its simplicity. I wish I could write like that. I wish I had a childhood like that. I so wanted to grow up in Malgudi.

5) The Famous Five – I know I am cheating but I want to be a child again and run to the local circulating library. The smell of old books combining with the smell of incense. Pick up a Famous Five book. Run back home and start reading the book with a mom-made Salami sandwich. Aaah! Why did I ever have to grow up…


Four movies you love:
1) Dev D – Or anything by Anurag Kashyap (I loved No Smoking). The film turned Devdas on its head and the visual imagery influenced me to write “Mother Loves Jeremy”. Now I wait for “Paanch” to see the light of day.

2) Life is Beautiful – Chaplinesque. The only movie that made me cry aloud… and I looked so stupid because I think I was smiling at the same time. The father – a hero to his son, both in a Nazi concentration camp and separated from the mother, tells his son that the camp is a game – and the one who gets 1000 points first wins a tank. Inspiring and beautiful. Funny and heart wrenching. An underrated masterpiece.

3) Oldboy – A South Korean. A man is kidnapped and imprisoned illegally for 15 years. He spends the 15 years in one claustrophobic room – with no access to the outside world. For 15 years he plans his revenge and trains himself. Only – he cannot seem to think of anyone with an incentive to do this to him. After 15 years – he is released – as suddenly as he was kidnapped. The man, a misfit, in the outside world, now has only one objective – to find the man who did this to him. The end hits you like a brick that falls from the top of a high-rise and hits you bang on the head. The film was plagiarized in Hindi and made into a bad film called Zinda.

4) Mard – I watched this Amitabh Bachchan starer some 25 times on home video when I was a kid. I still like it. The film is an absolutely regressive, B grade and senseless pot-boiler. Imagine this - A father, a king in exile, has british soldiers hot on his heels. When the soldiers are about to get to him – he picks up his little son, an infant, and with a knife carves “MARD” (Macho Man) on his chest. The infant smiles back. Mard Ko Dard Nahin Hota (A real man never hurts). The child grows up to be the Mard jisko Dard Nahin Hota – Amitabh Bachchan.


There... Done...dusted... And dedicated to Choco...

I know I am supposed to tag someone... but tags can be real drags... anyone who is inspired enough to do so can please pick up this tag and waste a post on it... only... please come back and leave a comment... so I can come over and read and be happy that someone else also had time to waste...

Rain Makers... Mumbaikars

A beleaguered humid city
Prayers for respite from summer
Rain gods answer
Little raindrops rejoice
Summer runs asunder

A few days of joy
Then the city down under
Gutters run wild, shoes soiled,
Clothes don't dry, Yada Yada Yada
The city prays for winter

Aunt winter wears a sweater
Though its only 20°C-old
Days end early, Asthma attacks, Mosquitoes bite
Exams here and vacations round the corner
The city longs for summer


PS: Looooooong days.... shrt psts...

This post is dedicated to the city of complaint boxes.... I am... proudly... one of them... I enjoy the rains now... I look forward to complaining about it soon... WATCH THIS SPACE...

It’s a load of Rubbish… Read at your own Risk

Agent Green Glass finishes a 101 and Choco writes a 100, and I sit here trying to think of something to write. I realise that I have been thinking ever since I wrote some stupid story about the sweetness of salt.

I burn with envy. How can they be so prolific. Ms. R seems to churn out one poem a day. And each one seems to make so much sense.

In anger, I hunt blogosphere. I have to find another blogger as lethargic as I. My hunt leaves me frustrated and depressed. Everyone seems to be updating the blog at least once a day. And there are those idiots who do it twice.

Slowly I realise. Now I understand how the “little” boy felt in the common shower.

I can’t even update mine once a week. What can I write about? Nothing seems interesting enough. I have a few stories spinning in my head – but then I am too lazy to pen them down.

I can’t write poetry. I can’t intellectualise. I can’t write about food. I find politics boring. History repeats. Stories take too long. Films are watched and then forgotten. Work life is a constant. Women never change much. Who wants to write about men anyway? Nostalgia dawns… then yawns. And pets I don’t have.

I need inspiration. Or a muse. Or something to amuse.

Then I read Choco… write for yourself she screams… and as always she sounds candid… and threatening. I say fine. OK. I will write. For myself. Do I have a choice? Who wants to incur the wrath of a candid friend.

So I write this rubbish on my blog.

I am inspired.

I have moved my ass.

Now I move my fingers.

Still no muse

But now I am amused.

I have a post

I have exorcised the ghost

I rest in peace…

I can be lazy for another week

My blog name should change…

One post a week... by a very lazy freak

I have been tagged... 10 "tings" about me... why am I doing this

Ten things about me…. Now that’s tough… I don’t even know if there are three things about me… so I might stop at 8, 5, 3 or even 1… Lets see how it goes… And I hate R for doing this to me… this link is the reason for this post... how I hate this woman...


1. I am human ( ha ha… one done… nine to go)
2. I love travelling… and luckily, my job requires me to travel lots…
3. My first name starts with an A
4. I really dig good food … favourite places to eat… 1) Fried Chicken, Baghdadi roti and beef chilly onion fry… Baghdadi… Mumbai 2) Barah Handi at Vallibhai Payawalla, Bohri Mohalla 3) a) Skylawn, Royal Festival Hall, Embankment, London 4) Zitadelle Spandau, Berlin and 5) Longuinhos and Martins in Goa 6) Street food in Thailand and 7) any good roadside dosa-idlli wala. I am hungry now.
5. I never wrote anything (apart from official communication) before starting the blog
6. I am lazy and tend to procrastinate… in my personal life… i.e. it could take me 30 years to change a light-bulb at home, if I had my way… Therefore I fear that the blog might not last long…
7. People think I am commitment phobic… bottom-line… women dump me as soon as they get to know the real me… Although I disagree vehemently and strongly believe that the reason I can’t commit is because I haven’t found the right woman yet… I also think that it is vey unlikely that I will find the right woman soon…
8. I like the sea more than the hills… I love reading… my idea of a good weekend is a beach…. Most likely to be Kashid…. a good book… hammock… coconut water (with Bacardi)… read… read… read… siesta… get up (shit…what is that cow doing near my foot… f@$# it wants my chappals...harrr… harrr)... back to the book… coconut water (with Bacardi)… sun sets… sleep again…
9. I love the hills during the rains… and I can trek all day…as long as it rains… and I get wet...
10. I love electronic gaming…. Especially sport related games… Can play on a console, mobile… on anything… anywhere… anytime… all night… and then all day…. then all night…

Moments that Mattered

The Best Compliment I Ever Got
Friend to Me: Boss, If you write... you are a writer...

The Worst I was ever abused
(Different) Friend to Me: Ay bhaire... dikhta nahin hai kya???