Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ek Michael Ki Maut - Myshtery Rejolved



Choco recommends in shudh Hindi that I write about Rakhi Ka Swayamwar. "Web dainiki mein unke swayamvar ke barien mein chapne ka prayas kare toh hum use padne ka vachan detein hain." After that barrage, all of which I don't understand - who has the courage to say no.

I cant write much about the show. I have only watched one episode. A re-run.

This is how it all occurred.

I was surfing channels. I landed on this strange one. And then I saw her. She was dressed in pink. “Mujhe Aishwarya se bhi khoobsoorat brides banna hai” she blabbered.

The earth shook.

I cringed... puked... lost my appetite... then my mind… developed suicidal tendencies... screamed… jumped off a building... and died...

I entered Heaven. I walked around. I saw a Rakhi Sawant look-alike. Dancing.

Someone told me that it was Menaka.

I overreacted. I slapped her.

The Go-On-Darling sent me to hell.

I reached hell. I sensed respite. But it was short-lived.

I was in for a shock.

The devil is a fan. He is her creator. He named her Raakh-I and sent her to earth to recruit fresh ass-in-instants.

Now he awaits her return. He was impatient and angry.

I heard that she refuses to come back. “I likes Aarth too much” she tells him “All aarth-with-lings waant to marie me”.

I think she means earthlings. I also think she means marry. I could be wrong.

The devil, unable to take the pain of longing and separation, has taken to his bed. He is found there all day, roasting in a forever-melancholy mood.

He is now called the Dev-ill.

Over a period of time, I came to realise that the temperature in hell varied considerably. I asked someone called Atom Bhai Narakhia the reason for the temperature change.

He exploded.

He screamed that it is the bloody Dev-ill’s ass-in-instants keeping him in humour. Apparently, the temperature increases each time an ass-in-instants tells Dev-ill that Rakh-I is cumming. I think they mean coming.

Or maybe not. I don’t know. I was too busy getting roasted.

I got the devil to curse me and send me into exile - to the nether world.

Now this was easy.

I tried to explain to the horny fellow “Rakh-I isn’t cumming right now. Period.”

I don’t think Dev-ill understood. He was fuming. I had abused his Ash-wariya. He was in flames.

He went on to foam at the mouth and then promptly threw a fit.

I tried to get him to smell my slipper.

He spat on me and I found myself in netherworld - enveloped in the Dev-ill's spit bubble.

There I stayed suspended for no-time. Then one day after bursting the bubble with a pin (don't ask me where I got that from) and through a small window in time, I found my way back to earth. I came to realise that I was now a ghost.

“She has had it now” I thought to myself. “I shall haunt this Raakh-I to death”

I found her. It was easy.

I just asked one random Johnny “Oh Boss… Yeh Shaadi kidhar hai??”

He pointed towards Rajastan.

Soon, I found her and tried to haunt her.

“poo” I squeaked.

I meant to say "BOOOO." God promise.

She looked at me. She raised her eyebrows. “What a hots bhooth” she said “Itna safeds safeds aur mujhe pyar se poo bhi bulata hai. How cutes”.

“Mujse shaadi karoge” she sang.

I was shocked. She wasn’t scared of me. She wanted to marry me.

I asked her why.

“These facking Indian mards wants marries me” she wailed “They wants vergen”

“Please marry me bhooth. Please say yes. Yours my Shahrukhs and I ams your Gauris. Now come on byabye… lets do the marries”

Suddenly her mood swung again.

“I am pavitra bharatiya naari and I ams vargen… but no one believes my surgeon,” she told me.

Things were getting sad. I tried to change the subject.

I asked her if she uses botox

“How dare you” she screamed “I am a vargen.”

Suddenly I found her doing an item girl version of Madonna.

“I do not mean anything wrong” I squeaked “It was an innocent question”

“Then ok jaanu” she said as she fluttered her cute fake eyelashes “Yes jaanu… I use my botox…. every mornings… for the shits”


I couldn’t even die….



In short - earth, heaven, hell, netherland or Neverland (apparently Michael got a phone call just a few minutes before he visited his doctor)... there is no respite from Rakhi Ka Dimaag-pe-vaar

70 comments:

pawan said...

I woke up today in a seemingly bad mood after a nightmare. I thought to spend a few minutes on the net and cheer myself up and hopefully saw your new post and started reading it.

Man!, what a story. Well, I wish God gave me brains like that to create stories like that, it is nothing short of being HILARIOUS!.
Ass-is-tants huh! This was the best, and the hidden sexual innuendos werer simply exhiliarating!

In the end when the Raaki tell you (aka ur ghost) that all Indians wanted a vergen, I was in splits!

I think, sorry I can no more think to write stuff like this!

Cheers mate!

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thousif Raza M.B said...

Dude thats one story i loved to read damn you are good at this stuff arent you

damn thats was one hilarious post, i think i also gotta thank choco, thank you choco ;)

het where r u i updated the blog with my story, hope to see you there soon.....

take care and keep writing.....

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Pawan

I am glad I could make you laugh Pawan... Have a good day mate...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Choco...

Honey... Shudh Hindi Shocks me... and this is the result....

And the widget is hidden down below only because it it ugly.... If you find one that goes with my blog design... please let me know... I will put it up...

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thousif Bhai...

I am glad you liked the post... will come over a read your story now...

Dreaming Eyes said...

hahahhahahhahhahahhahhahha.....hats off to u.... ;)

extremity said...

Mr.ATMM
i really really have no words.will read it until i learn byheart.c ya

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Dream

Thank You... I just got to know that you love food... I cant agree more... :-)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Extremity

I will try too... I am sure you will beat me to it :-)

blunt edges said...

u do hv a thing 4 misleadin titles, dont u? last me ek line daal diya abt MJ (someone's learnt some cool publicity gimmicks, i say) ;)

botox 4 d shits stole d show...
a job well done my frnd...m sure choco wud be proud of u :D

ani_aset said...

i say awesome :D
the rakhis rocks withs the angelissh :D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Blunt Baba

LOL... what misleading ??? Didnt you finally learn how MJ died...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Ani...

Thank you mate... I think Rocky rocks too :-)

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pesto Sauce said...

For my life I cannot stand Rakhi Sawant

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Choco

I am too lazy to do what you recommend... And if I spruce up anything it tends to look like a christmas tree :-)

And I am really happy you liked it...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Pesto

I share the sentiment... Do this sit back for five mins... close your eyes and imagine Rakhi as your wife.

Then write a post about how you attempted to take your own life.

Mukund said...

Well, I am such a big fan of that show... haven't laughed so much in ages... Man I can't believe she wants to be an actor, she can't act for nuts even on her own show... the whole thing looks so fake...
Anyways... Great post by the way...
may be you should give this idea to the producers at least it will give some jaan to the show... :D
Cheers

Grayquill said...

Your resonse seemed kind of emotional - it didn't seem to fit my picture of you. Now the hell part, the outlandish part, the creative part, the over the edge part that all kinda fits.

Suree said...

that was so creative , as usual

ivy_^^ said...

lol.
me's also watches rakhis once. me's spent the rest of the day in the loos puking mys intestines out :P
amzin post. i think im gonna cm bck n read it again :)

Rohan said...

This was hillarious..i mean hilla diya...my chair is squeaking...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Mukund

Thanks bro

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Grayquill

I was worried that you would not understand large chunks of it... lots was Hindi written using the english script... Glad you still liked it :-)

But did not get what you meant by response being emotional

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Suree

Thank you mate...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Rohan

Dada... Hill mat yaar... Rakhi hai... aishwarya nahin :-D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ ivy

Glad you liked it...

Shanu said...

Lol..super duper awesome..you are too good man! ***Bows down in respect**

Grayquill said...

Hey don't feel bad. I don't know what I mean half the time.
"I cringed... puked... lost my appetite... then my mind… developed suicidal tendencies... screamed… jumped off a building.."
Really emotional line - all that because of a womean you saw only once? Just didn't seem like you.
You were right I did not understand big chucks of it. I love all your writing with one exception so far.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Shanu...

No mate... cant be funnier than you...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Grayquill

Mate.. If you knew the woman I am talking about... I can assure you that she would bring out these feelings in you as well...

Let me just put in in perspective... the show is the indian version of " marry a millionaire".. only instead of a millionaire... we have a sleazy celebrity... now the celebrity I refer to can be best descibed as "Paris Hilton meets Anna Nicole Smith meets any random loud attention crazy transvestite"

Rakhi Sawant is her name... You tube her to know more...

Shanu said...

Aww thats so sweet **Sniff**

manisha said...

SO MUCH FOR HER??!!!! A FULL length post for RAKHI sawant!??

is it supposed to be a rakhi (r,bandhan:D)post??!:P *see ur post is so infectious, am posting horrible jokes*

amazing word play!! really...

i watched 2-3 epi, and mind u they were hilarious to the hilt.

i watched the finale too:D

do u thnk there will be a swayamvar part 2?? will it happen every year! *you can die now*

what a hots bhotthh...lol!!!!

u r too good at nonsene! kudos

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Shanu

Please dont cry :-D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Manisha

Thank You thank You... now can you please get down to writing some nonsense too...

Gigi said...

Nice blog.

Rambler said...

What was this? Whatever it was, was kinda funny :-0

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thank you Gigi

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Rambler

LOL... even I don't know... The great Ms. Sawant does this to people :-)

Gymnast said...

Lol...I was till few weeks back a Rakhi Supporter out of sympathy after i heard her terrible life story on "Coffee with Karan".

But after Rakhi ka swayamvar , i am back to hating her. Such cheap publicity stunt and such overconfidence with absolutely no poise.

One whole post on her ! This was too much..but yea , funny too!

Keep writing.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Gymnast...

Finally I write a post that made you laugh... you made my day.... I am gonna write another one on her now... just out of sheer joy

d gypsy! said...

hilarious.... :)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Gypsy

Thank You

Dreaming Eyes said...

hello...on extremely high public demand pls write one more post on RAKHI'S sawamvar ;)plssssss.....

waiting 4 another master piece..
take care....

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Dream

If there is a season 2... I promise to write... but tell me... did you like the show :-)

Dreaming Eyes said...

hi..actually I hv nvr seen a single episode..only saw sum clippings and trailors while surfing the channels..dats it with rakhi frm my side..:)

take care...
but still waiting for ur post ;)

As the Mind Meanders said...

I will write soon... but something else...

Divya said...

Oh my god.. sasta :P

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Divya

Oh! Thank you... Born sasta... a proudly so... and I can promise you... I can be more sasta with ease :-D

Chhaya said...

hey... long time no new post...

where r u?

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Chhaya

Mate... struggling between not having anything to write on and itching to write something... anything

rahul s nair said...

good one man!!
had a good time reading it!!

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thank you Rahul... hope you laughed a bit... cheers..

PEOPLE, PLACES, VOICES, FACES... said...

Thanks for brightening up a wet Wednesday morning! I can go to work smiling now.
Ranee

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Ranee

Hi. Good to see you here. Keep smiling through the day. Have fun.

Cheers

Nikki said...

Hey! I am stuck with loads of work! Will update soon! And I am happy to see you comment on my blog..., :)

You take care! Lots of love...Nikki!

@nks said...

“I am pavitra bharatiya naari and I ams vargen… but no one believes my surgeon,”

now this one totally cracked me up ...

too good ...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Nikki...

Look forward to it Nikki... write soon...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@NKS

Thanks chief.. glad you liked it... and welcome to my blog

Pesto Sauce said...

When is new post coming?

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Pesto

Bro... I dont know what to write about :-)

Harish Krishnan said...

Yes!!!

We need another post with Rakhi as the protagonist :D !

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Harish...

Soon mate... I heard that she is going to try her hands at parenting... lets see what she comes up with...

Poonam Advani said...

Did I laugh or did I laugh?!

I never thought a take, as unique as this one, was ever possible for a show as hideous as RKS.

P.S. Stumbled upon your blog from umm.. I'm not sure where!
But it's good that I did.

slash\\ said...

Give Ms. Sawant/Parjunwala a break will ya. She's probably the only one who could have pulled off the Swayamvar Show ;)

Great writing. First timer and already a follower.

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

and i read this thinking that u have resolved a mystery which we have been trying to resolve since time immemorial

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Gayathri

Oh No! I hope you aint upset... and I did solve the mystery didn't I??? :-)

Diwakar Sinha said...

I bow to thee
I bow to thee
I bow to thee

Anonymous said...

What happens when you dedicate entire posts at women bashing is: Even if that woman is Rakhi Sawant: Is: That you marie a brainless boring unidimensional facebook loving creature with assets at the right places: After all: That is what really matters: To classless drunkards like yourself.