Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Choco recommends in shudh Hindi that I write about Rakhi Ka Swayamwar. "Web dainiki mein unke swayamvar ke barien mein chapne ka prayas kare toh hum use padne ka vachan detein hain." After that barrage, all of which I don't understand - who has the courage to say no.
I cant write much about the show. I have only watched one episode. A re-run.
This is how it all occurred.
I was surfing channels. I landed on this strange one. And then I saw her. She was dressed in pink. “Mujhe Aishwarya se bhi khoobsoorat brides banna hai” she blabbered.
The earth shook.
I cringed... puked... lost my appetite... then my mind… developed suicidal tendencies... screamed… jumped off a building... and died...
I entered Heaven. I walked around. I saw a Rakhi Sawant look-alike. Dancing.
Someone told me that it was Menaka.
I overreacted. I slapped her.
The Go-On-Darling sent me to hell.
I reached hell. I sensed respite. But it was short-lived.
I was in for a shock.
The devil is a fan. He is her creator. He named her Raakh-I and sent her to earth to recruit fresh ass-in-instants.
Now he awaits her return. He was impatient and angry.
I heard that she refuses to come back. “I likes Aarth too much” she tells him “All aarth-with-lings waant to marie me”.
I think she means earthlings. I also think she means marry. I could be wrong.
The devil, unable to take the pain of longing and separation, has taken to his bed. He is found there all day, roasting in a forever-melancholy mood.
He is now called the Dev-ill.
Over a period of time, I came to realise that the temperature in hell varied considerably. I asked someone called Atom Bhai Narakhia the reason for the temperature change.
He screamed that it is the bloody Dev-ill’s ass-in-instants keeping him in humour. Apparently, the temperature increases each time an ass-in-instants tells Dev-ill that Rakh-I is cumming. I think they mean coming.
Or maybe not. I don’t know. I was too busy getting roasted.
I got the devil to curse me and send me into exile - to the nether world.
Now this was easy.
I tried to explain to the horny fellow “Rakh-I isn’t cumming right now. Period.”
I don’t think Dev-ill understood. He was fuming. I had abused his Ash-wariya. He was in flames.
He went on to foam at the mouth and then promptly threw a fit.
I tried to get him to smell my slipper.
He spat on me and I found myself in netherworld - enveloped in the Dev-ill's spit bubble.
There I stayed suspended for no-time. Then one day after bursting the bubble with a pin (don't ask me where I got that from) and through a small window in time, I found my way back to earth. I came to realise that I was now a ghost.
“She has had it now” I thought to myself. “I shall haunt this Raakh-I to death”
I found her. It was easy.
I just asked one random Johnny “Oh Boss… Yeh Shaadi kidhar hai??”
He pointed towards Rajastan.
Soon, I found her and tried to haunt her.
“poo” I squeaked.
I meant to say "BOOOO." God promise.
She looked at me. She raised her eyebrows. “What a hots bhooth” she said “Itna safeds safeds aur mujhe pyar se poo bhi bulata hai. How cutes”.
“Mujse shaadi karoge” she sang.
I was shocked. She wasn’t scared of me. She wanted to marry me.
I asked her why.
“These facking Indian mards wants marries me” she wailed “They wants vergen”
“Please marry me bhooth. Please say yes. Yours my Shahrukhs and I ams your Gauris. Now come on byabye… lets do the marries”
Suddenly her mood swung again.
“I am pavitra bharatiya naari and I ams vargen… but no one believes my surgeon,” she told me.
Things were getting sad. I tried to change the subject.
I asked her if she uses botox
“How dare you” she screamed “I am a vargen.”
Suddenly I found her doing an item girl version of Madonna.
“I do not mean anything wrong” I squeaked “It was an innocent question”
“Then ok jaanu” she said as she fluttered her cute fake eyelashes “Yes jaanu… I use my botox…. every mornings… for the shits”
I couldn’t even die….
In short - earth, heaven, hell, netherland or Neverland (apparently Michael got a phone call just a few minutes before he visited his doctor)... there is no respite from Rakhi Ka Dimaag-pe-vaar