Monday, July 20, 2009

In Vino Veritas - Drinking to Death

In Vino Veritas - A short story contest... on Jason Evans' blog The Clarity of Night. Got to know about this because of Rohan.

Using the photograph below for inspiration, contributors were asked to compose a short fiction (or poetry) piece of no more than 250 words in any genre or style...

Here is my effort... Have to say that trying to keep the word count down to 250 words nearly killed me... in a week that gave me very little time to think or write...





Drinking to Death


Two young sweaty bodies in the throes of passion on top of a water tank of a high-rise rooftop - an inch away from a sheer fall and death. Bodies coloured and illuminated in blue fluorescent light cast by a neon advertising signboard.

He enters her with his tongue – exploring the woman inside her. Slowly, feeding her desires. She moans as he pulls out and bites the inside of her thigh, an inch away from where she wants him. He moves up. His hands replace his tongue. Fingers finding love.

He kisses her. Tongues find each other and dance.

His other hand reaches out, groping in the dark for the knife.

“Are you ready” he asks. “Yes” she moans.

He kneels between her legs and very slowly, he enters her. She feels him inside her. As she moans, he takes the knife and slashes his wrists.

Blood Drops On Breasts.

She closes her eyes and whimpers as he cuts her wrists.

He finds her wrists in his mouth while he takes his to her lips. They drink of each other. The taste of blood and sex – intoxicating the senses as wine never can. They keep stroking and drinking – immune to pain.

They had been planning this for days.

The stars shine down on their bloodied faces. Ruby red coupling with fluorescent blue.


The stars give way to the morning sun. He looks down at them with sadness and hides behind the clouds to curse and cry. Young. Horny. Stupid.

DEAD.

60 comments:

ivy_^^ said...

whoa...speechless.

:|

*applause*

Atrisa said...

Ehm, would it be totally inappropriate to say that turned me on for a second there?

Damn. No Cock Raj here.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ ivy

Thank You

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Atrisa

LOL. Turned you on??? Now why am I not surprised Arch :-D

blunt edges said...

"Young. Horny. Stupid.

DEAD."


take a bow buddy :D:D:D

only one word can describe it: SEXY!!!

Nikki said...

What should I say? In short, AWESOME!!!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Blunt...

Thanks Bro...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Nikki....

Thank You... That meant a lot...

ZiLliOnBiG said...
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Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Zillion

Chief... I felt the same way... I did not have time to better it... I had an hour to write this... and bloody 250 words... so this was spontaneous...

Thank you.. seriously... thank You... I appreciate honest feedback... it only comes from those who care... this is worth much more than positive feedback... keep the faith mate... will rewrite this soon.. into a proper story with no word limit...

Atrisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Atrisa said...

Let's just say - it's been a while :P

You know what? When you said "Groping in the dark for the knife" I thought you meant figuratively. Go figure!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Choco...

Bachche... bade ho jao... zindagi bhar angoota nahin chooste...

Jokes apart... I take the feedback... and apologise if it read like porn

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Atrisa

LOL... the mind... the mind... it meanders...

But your initial interpretation of "Groping in the dark for the knife" ... ain't that corny mate...

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
As the Mind Meanders said...

Kaise aasar Chocoji???

Hamaare vichaar hamesha nek rahein hain... aur jaise angrezi mein kehte hain na... beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder... is kahavat ko palat deejiye... phir sochiye... aap yahan se bhaagne ko utavale kyon ho rahe ho... :-)

Hindi... hamein bhi aati hai chocoji:-) HA HA HA

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ani_aset said...

Uh well that was uhmm...a good attempt, I'm sure you could have done without few descriptions..would have saved you words :D

agent green glass said...

nice. i always think porn or bordering on porn is the most difficult to get right. and you got it just right. superb dude. tho, i didn't like the end.(some honest feedback) it was expected. but the writing was top class.

Ms.R. said...
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Ms.R. said...

Ah the throes of passion. As a writer I can say it was really nice. Well written. But as a person, I think... Why would anyone do that? May be I don't grasp the concept of suicide so well. But I know one thing for sure - when in love, the idea itself is a crime to your lover. Hey! This is just my thought okay? Keep writing! :D

Rohan said...

Again i must say..it was a good attempt...

d gypsy! said...

A good attempt indeed. A li'l common though...


but the narration was well done.

thanks for dropping by!

Divya said...

I didn't really think it was very common.. very disturbing but i quite liked it..just not the very end.. young horny stupid dead bit

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Ani_aset...

Thanks mate... will keep that in mind...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ AGG

For once I dont put a twist in the tale and you blast me :-(

Jokes apart, thank you for your feedback... it means a lot to me...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ R...

Always feels good when I get a comment from you... the chaps in the story were weird... most people are more sensible...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Rohan...

Thanks mate... but you know what... personally... I think it could have been better... I did not like it that much... but that's my opinion...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ d_gypsy

Thank you for visiting... will try to do better...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Divya...

Thank you for the feedback... I thought it could be better too.. but time... and a deadline... I should have started a little earlier...

Gymnast said...

In the beginning , i thought i was reading a pornography book or something.
Will it be too rude if i say this repelled me ?
Drinking to death is fine...but should you have taken it so literally?

I feel you have it in you to do MUCH better.

I know i am no great writer and have to rights to criticise , but i somehow feel u want me to tell u what i really think.

As the Mind Meanders said...

Hi Gymnast

The idea was to repel... not the sex... i think that is up to individual mindsets... but the end... the gore... that was meant to repel... That was the idea... my problem is... I did not probably succeed in making it as effective as I wanted it to be... the central idea of stupid mistakes we make when we are young... about youth being fascinating and dangerous...

As the Mind Meanders said...

The only little area where I disagree - on porn... In my opinion, not all sexually descriptive content is porn... porn is meant to titillate... I dont think the sex here did that... the sex here was used to describe the sexual passion that led the individuals in the story to take unacceptable risks...

pawan said...

Well,
I'm mesmerized!
Your last post made me laugh for an entire day and it still gives me a smile and this post is simply mind blowing!.
If someone were to be asked whether the 'Cock Raj' and this post were written by the same author, they would simply reply, "Yes, can't you see? The former was written by some highly imaginative cracker jack and the latter by some pissed of old looney or some philosopher!"

Well, with comments pouring saying that, this was more pornographical and has more adult substance in it, I say this post required it!. That is the beauty of this post! I could never imagine a post with such raunchy content can go on to end like the "American Beauty"!. The last word of the post 'DEAD' is the most captivating and hallucinating end line of all the posts I have read in my whole blogging life!

Kudos mate!. I am very happy to have blog rolled you. I will recommend this post to all my close friends and to people who love tragic endings! (Forgot to tell, I love tragedy!).

Cheers mate!
(Btw, this has surpassed all my previous records of long comment writing! This is my longest comment!)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Pawan

The pissed of old looney is levitating a few feet up in the air...

Thank You

pawan said...

Any time man!
I have henceforth decided to post the link of one good blog post from the next time I put up a post in my article. And I shall do so by giving the link of this article first! Or to be precise a link to your blog!

Thousif Raza M.B said...

well when i started to read i thought , here is another one of those stories, but lemme tell you, the narration is top notch, i loved the way you started it and loooooved the way you ended it, and that to you say its spontaneous, that makes it a whole lot more praise worthy, great attempt, but could have done with much lesser details, but again honest attempts always rock


so keep rocking and i too am writing a short story not on the same theme though, next month in my blog, be sure to drop by ok,


take care and keep writing.......

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Thousif

Look forward to reading the story mate...

indiegurl said...

very disturbing. but also very wow. very wow indeed.

extremity said...

ahem..considering your improvisation and creativity,i feel u cud hav opted some other plane to weave d story in the prescribed conditions(i admit,250 sucks)and who on earth wud suicide like this..? unless unless they are so damn..so goddamn pervert ?

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Indiegurl

Thank You mate...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Extremity...

There are people who have done this.. it wasn't really suicide... and thank you for the feedback...

Shanu said...

Whoa..i agree with Choco..koi warning tohg de deta yaar...humari yeah sab padhne ki umar nahi hai :P

Loved the "Young. Horny. Stupid.

DEAD." wala part.

As the Mind Meanders said...

Shanu... nanne munne bachche... tholly... :-)

Meghana Naidu said...

ah yes, classic love story.. i dont know why people are raving about it so much... sheesh

;)
:P
:D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Meghana....

What raving... people think its pornography :-)

Meghana Naidu said...

both classic and raving were sarcastic O_O
but hey sex always sells ;)

was in a rush(for the past few days actually) so couldnt say much.

here goes..
first off, the theme doesnt go with the story does it now :(
'truth in wine'
that apart

im not one to be offended by erm "strong" writing so about the it being porno part.. meh ;)

i did think the story was kickass.. the 'detailed description' was totally necessary to deliver the complete punch of the last few words!
you really got me thinking for a while there and when i read STUPID i actually laughed my head off
:D

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thank You Meghana...

cherie said...

oh, wow, i'm blown away....

pawan said...

Well,
As I promised, I left a link to this post in my latest post!
Btw, I too have taken story writing, please do check my latest venture!

Cheerio!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Cherie

Thank You

@ Pawan

Thank you chief... will check it out now

aahang said...

Till about 10th standard my reading was limited to MB's.Like all girls my elder sis got them from her friends and me and my brother flipped out pages to find the 'scenes'.We did not care about the rest of the crap.As I matured my literary pursuits changed.
Your attempt( pun intended ) as we don't know if the act got completed or they died before he deposited himself in her brought back memories of MB days.
Have you read Alchemy of Desire by Tarun Tejpal ? Some really creative stuff there.
I could never conjure this up in an hour,250 words.So hat's off..I liked it.

Anita :) said...

Wooooow...!!! Excellent Writing..!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Aahang...

Thank you... after Nikki and your recommended it.. I went and bought the book... loved it...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Anita...

Thank you

eM said...

quite juicy stuff there. ATMM. :D

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thank You eM...

Nice to see you here... and I am really glad you liked it...

Cheers :-D

kedar said...

neat stuff, man.

Anonymous said...

Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about
this, like you wrote the book in it or something.

I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little
bit, but instead of that, this is excellent blog. An excellent read.
I'll definitely be back.

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