Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Cock-Raj

Something has come over me. I was trying to write a short story, which has been lying dormant in my mind since Adam was a boy.

However, the only thought that seems to come to my mind is… cockroach.

"Now, why is this dimwit thinking about cockroaches and then writing about them on his blog?" This, I must confess, is a fair question to ask.

Truth be said. I have no answer.

I have very little control over this dim meandering mind of mine…

Therefore, I cast aside the short story and write a blog post on this pet… peeve…

I convince myself that if my fellow bloggers can write brilliant posts about cats and dogs – Then I should be allowed the liberty to write about cockroaches. Cockroaches are, after all, the creation of the same almighty that created you, cats, dogs, and me.

Now, there are some amongst us who will argue, and rightly so, that only if I had a cockroach as a pet, would I be worthy to write with authority on cockroaches.

I would therefore like to point out that this post does not intend to sermonise about the virtues of having a cockroach as a pet. This post is about a little problem I have and a brilliant plan I have in mind to cure myself of this minor irritant.

I am terrified of cockroaches - especially the big ones with wings.

For some inexplicable reason, the ones that do fly… fly straight at me. There seems to be this peculiar attraction that I hold for them.

Now there are those who have had the opportunity to witness this. They have gone right ahead and formed a number of theories to explain this strange phenomenon.

Some say that it is quite possible that, in my next life, I am destined to be a cockroach. Or it might turn out that I was a cockroach in an earlier lifetime. Others debunk the reincarnation theory and believe that I am destined to turn into a cockroach during this lifetime itself. Wouldn’t that be magical?

Finally, there are those, who to my face, tell me that I am nothing but a cockroach and that it should not surprise me when I attract others of my specie. I have often wondered if these are the only truthful people on earth. It maybe so, that the world is nothing by an illusion, and in this illusionary world, I, a cockroach, look at myself in a mirror and see myself as a man.

Anyway. I digress. As I was saying, cockroaches tend to fly straight at me. When such global calamities strike and cockroaches fly, I tend to mutate very quickly into a superhero. I mean, I can fly and jump over buildings. My superhero avtaar, however, does not need a cape and at times can be found flying around with only a dirty red (and sometimes yellow) underwear. Much collateral damage is caused and many innocent people come to harm when this strange Superhero takes off – with a cockroach hot on his heels.

Now, for those of you reading this and thinking to themselves “what a wuss”, I would like to set matters straight and state that I am not usually a scaredy-boo. I do not, for example, fear scorpions or snakes or mushrooms.

I have, on multiple occasions, had the opportunity of close acquaintance with each of these creatures and have found them to be quite harmless if not friendly.

Then why do I fear puny cockroaches? This most pertinent question deserves a long and lengthy answer, but to cut it short and say it in three words ( I have been found guilty of many a long blog post) – I don’t know.

Finally, after many years of living in fear and many cockroach-human chase sequences, I have, after much thought, decided to face up to my fear. No, I do not plan to spend a night in a casket full of cockroaches. I do not intend to compete in Fear Factor – and lose my life to cockroaches on national television.

I have instead formed a simple and implementable plan. I will adopt a cockroach and bring her up. Yes, my cockroach will grow up to be a daughter to me. I will teach her to crawl, send her to school, protect her from insecticides, lizards, and cats, teach her to fly high, eventually get her married. I plan to grow old and die in the company of my flying grandchildren. Finally, in their company, I will rid myself of my fear of cockroaches.

And yes, for those that have got here and are convinced that I am nothing but a nut, allow me to agree with your brilliant assessment. I am, indeed, nothing but a nut.

But like all good nuts, this nut has a more intricate agenda behind his nutty plan. Please read further if you still have the courage…


Joy - Part 1
A cockroach I will adopt
And keep her, safe, on my loft
She will be a daughter to me
As wonderful as any daughter can be

I will teach her to fly
And reach for the sky
She will be safe
No harm shall come her way

I will teach her to date
I will find her a mate
Of course, she will procreate
Eight hundred times eighty into eight
Million

Ecstasy - Part 2
In time my fellow humans
Your generations shall self-destruct
Your Politics, Your wars, your bombs, your holocaust
Extinct, Kaput, Finito – Ha Ha…There… watch… these morons go bust

But Stand by and Watch Human - My lineage will survive
Be Careful Human – They will Grow, prosper, and thrive
Yes, Its Funny ain’t it Human – laugh at me in mirth
Fuck You Human – Its MY descendants who inherit YOUR earth

You think I am a nut , don’t ya
You think I overreact, fuck ya
Watch this space, will ya
Cockroaches survive holocausts, can ya
Self-destruct soon, I beg ya









Congratulation to those who have got here – You have just read the worst blog post ever. No, I don't do drugs and did not write this under influence...

To those of you who have bothered to read my blog posts until this day and have made a solemn promise never to come back again – Good Bye.

To those who plan to come back in the future – I salute you and I admire your courage.

To those of you, innocent souls, who were misled into reading this because of the blog post name and came here expecting pornography – I apologise.

83 comments:

manisha said...

I am terrified of cockroaches - especially the big ones with wings.- did u just read my mind:D

this post was as crappy as cockroaches:P

To those who plan to come back in the future – I salute you and I admire your courage- thanks "atm":)


Of course, she will procreate
Eight hundred times eighty into eight
lol!!!! amazing wit
impeccabl funny and seamless plotting:D n u ask me how i write shit?

cock-raj:Dwhats d irony!!!

ecstacy was brilliant!!! humor drippin g in evry line! kudos

manisha said...

i want to smash each n ever cockroach on d face of this earth! and so will i do to ur prodigial daughter.....wwooohahahahahaha,,*devilish laugh*

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Manisha

I admit I was under the influence Manisha... ever since I read the 'fart' post... I was inspired...

And while you thought of your little wicked plan.. my children have already multiplied muhahahahah :-D

manisha said...

thnk u again mister!

so what they are tine and i have baygon and PARAGON:Phee ha ha

As the Mind Meanders said...

Peeez dont do that... I beg you... koi mere bachchon ko bachchao...

manisha said...

why cant u have decent human kids isntead of this filthy, browny, dirty, immortal creautres! :D

As the Mind Meanders said...

Hmmm.. the answer is in your question... immortality... the name meander... lives forever

manisha said...

whoa! :)

p.s. d inspiration of the painting man was a newspaper clipping which had an a rticle on women who posed for paintings in JJ school of Arts to eke out a living!

Nikki said...

Hahahahha! I am bursting my sides! this is hilarious! This is sooo funny! Sorry buddy but even I am afraid of cockroaches!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Manisha....

That post was awesome...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Nikki...

Nikki... stop laughing... be afraid :-D

Meghana Naidu said...

Well good news for you. i actually like cockroaches. i mean they are fascinating creatures!
so
i promise to adopt your children(and protect them from evil manisha and her farts especially)

*totally snort worthy*
tipped over and fell off
the chair

:D
and cock-raj. classic. !

me at home call them 'cocky'
i say "mom! cocky's here... bring out the jalebis"

Thousif Raza M.B said...

As much as i hate to admit, i too hate hate and hate them, it was great to read this, and a poem too ha ha ha gr8, you are too much yaar, if cockroaches would read this, they would worship you as thier god, good going

take care and keep writing.......

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Meghana...

Thank You. Please adopt them... feed them jalebis and save them from Manisha... Ah! I can die now...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Thousif

Thank You.... I am god to cockroaches all ready...

Nikki said...

I know... I had to! My cheeks are aching! hahahahahah.....

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Nikki

:-)

agent green glass said...

yeahahha*evil laugh* so you are scared of cockroaches too. the man in da house, A, is also scared of them.

while I casually swat them around, and sometimes even pick them up, IN MY BARE HANDS, and chuck them out, he rums away from the house, yelling Mommy.

Ah! such fun to see grown men turn to whimpering wusses.

but your idea is indeed fantastic. such a noble thought. to adopt a cockroach daughter. you might never find her a suitable groom, and people might tend to run out of the room screaming when you introduce them to your wee lil one, but do not let that dither you.

may i suggest rukmini as a name?

blunt edges said...

"You think I am a nut , don’t ya
You think I overreact, fuck ya
Watch this space, will ya
Cockroaches survive holocausts, can ya
Self-destruct soon, I beg ya"


lol...u nut/cockroach!!! wonder how many readers u got intrigued wid ur novel post name...i sure was one ;)

n yup...i hv d courage...so come up wid some more whacky posts!!! :D:D:D

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
As the Mind Meanders said...

@ AGG

Rukmini... I like...

And don't ya worry... I will get my daughter married... how about you raise a male cockroach... That should cure A's paranoia too...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Blunt Baba

LOL... Boss... I apologized... I wish I could write a post about male domination, name it thus and get away with it...

And thanks bro... if you have the courage... then I have the determination...

As the Mind Meanders said...

Choco... You pessimist... you sadist... my daughter is gonna head straight for your nose... :-D

And why should I bother if the roaches come for my Rukmini (AGGs suggestion... I like)... they will procreate... and I will achieve my end goal...

And I will make a good father... of a nation... of cockroaches...

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anita :) said...

This is probably the lengthiest document one can ever pen down about cockroaches!!! I would defend you in case someone made fun that you are scared of cockroaches...cos I'm scared too!! Good post, boss! The poem is hilarious! You seem to really love writing ... and u fully express whatever you have in ur head! Too cute!

Grayquill said...

Mr. Mind Meanders,
"I am cockroach therefore I am"
Well that was worth everysecond.
One bellylaugh, no two, make it three. Thanks I am in such a better mood now. You made my day.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

Meghana Naidu said...

EEEEKS!
now i cant adopt your daughter anymore. Rukmini is my mothers name!
OR ill have to rename her...
to "sundari" or "kempamma"

for the non-kannadigas(you too) sundari means beautiful and kempamma means "the red woman" or something like that.

:P

Atrisa said...

Considering roaches don't die cuz of blasts and can survive upto 8 hours even after decapitating them, adopting a Cock-raj seems to be a wise, low-maintenance choice. Why didn't I think of it?

Kaddu said...

OMG! I can just SOOOOOOOO relate to this! Honestly! They come flying at me too! And the ones who can't fly... they chase me on the ground! Uffff! U reminded me of this horrible nightmarish incident in Guwahati last year! I was visiting some relatives & we were going out for dinner, but one of these flying monsters decided to take a ride with us in my uncle's car! Now obviously me and a cockroach in the same car... NO WAY! Right! So first I got out (forcing all the others out of the car too with me), and then the winged-beast was thrown out (by my brave uncle), but, oh! You won't believe this! There were more of them... outside the car... on the ground... & one took such fancy to me that he (I deliberately choose to refer it as a 'male') started chasing me around! I moved left... he moved to his right; I moved to my right & he moved to his left! Both of us going around in circles in the limited space of that parking lot! Awful! I tell you! Will never forget that experience! :(

This is that said...

hahahahahaah I love this post !! esecially the poems !! love love love it..!!!!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Choco

If my daughter has to deal with villains like you... I will have to train her on martial arts... :-)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Anita

Thank You. I do enjoy writing...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Grayquill

Glad you started your day with a smile mate...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Meghana

Kempamma sound lovely... lets name her Kempamma :-D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Atrisa

I guess you ain't weird... I am :-)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Kaddu...

Poor cockroach... he was in love you you... how can you talk about him like that :-(

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ This is That

Glad you liked it...

manisha said...

YOUR cockroach has a name, is getting married...having children,omg!! where is dis goin?:P

ISNT THERE NE1 HERE WHO SUPPORTS ME AGAINST MEG N U *sigh*

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Manisha

You want support... you write a post... geez that rhymes...

And come on... we cant be cruel to animals... everyone here, save you and Choco, are such nice people...

manisha said...

;)

Chhaya said...

i have never been scared of 'em roaches.. and trust me, i give them proper respect, after al, they are the one who gonna rule the earth one day.. cz as the theory goes, they will the only creature to survice a nuclear-free-for-all..

loved reading your blog.. will come back for more..

i wonder how u found mine.. a mutual friends?
Keep in touch ...and thanx for the comment on my poem..

As the Mind Meanders said...

What can I say Chhaya... you are a brave girl :-)

I dont remember how I got to your blog... possibly some comment you wrote somewhere... doesn't matter... you weite well and I am happy I found your blog...

pawan said...

I have a sore back and I'm blaming it on you. God! I feel down laughing. Truly exceptional and truly amazing!
The comments are also worth a read and Choco wrote wrote the best sequel for your post!

I never thought creative writing can be achieved from cockroaches! Hmmm, lemme see what I can adopt, a mosquito? :P

As the Mind Meanders said...

Pawan... sorry boss... I will pay for the doctor... and would love to read about your mosquito :-)

ivy_^^ said...

thr was one on my pillow last night and i brutally squished all the life juices outta it.

:|

ps- are u joe from 'joe's apartment',the movie?

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Ivy

How cruel :-(

Naa.. I don't know about this movie... but looks like I should check it out... will do that now... Thank You

Nikki said...

Have updated the Mard story!

ivy_^^ said...

what?! :|
it was my fav pillow ! :(

anyways the movie is about this guy who shares his apartment wid a zillion roaches, which dance n sing n eventually help him get the girl of his dreams.must watch. cheers :)

Divya said...

Oh good lord :P i hate cockroaches too but what a tribute :P

extremity said...

oh ! this is d most HILARIOUS post i have read in recent time.r u so sick of this world ? he he..really,i enjoyed a lot..wat a humor sense man !
and yea,im also afraid of cockroaches besides scorpion,snake,lizard(i hate it)any reptile in general.also find them flyng right onto my face each time and me hoping down and sideways..ugh..

Gymnast said...

Lots of people seem to have enjoyed it, then there must be something really wrong with my sense of humour, because i totally agree with you that this post is pretty bad.
Funny in parts but required a lot of will power to read till the end.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Extremity

I am sending me daughter to meet you today :-)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Gymnast

How many people in the world do you think are honest mate??? You for one are... and I really do respect that...

This post was my tribute of Mard.... The best "bad" movie ever :-D

Thank you for the honest feedback though and I wont promise you that I wont write something like this again... I have a little weirdo inside me that surfaces once in a while...

Rambler said...

Wow such a huge post devoted to cockroach! The cockroaches in your house are famous now :-)

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Rambler

No not all the cockroaches... only Kempamma

Dreaming Eyes said...

aaahh..finally it ended up...yup i totally agree wid u...u r a nut..:)
but i love ur post as always..so i wud definitely cum 4 more nutty stuff..
take care..
keep writing nutty stuff..

Rash said...

Hahahahahahahahahah this was so hilarious baap re ROFL, i am not scared of cockroach though, can u write sumthg on lizards as well....aarrggg!

Meghana Naidu said...

YAY! so kempamma it is.
May her progeny fill the nookiest of nooks and the filthiest of corners.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Dream

It takes a good nut to appreciate a good nut :-D

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Rash

Lizards are cute... maybe you should write something...

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Meghana

Kempamma thanks you her godmother for a name she loves. She promises to visit her soon for some jalebis

prithvi said...

your post was like musical notes sometimes you hit a high note and sometimes you hit a low note, but you signed off the post in a real melody....well written!!!!

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Prithvi

Mate... your comment was better than the post :-)

Cheers...

JD said...

cockroaches are yuck but the write up was good. great going..

As the Mind Meanders said...

Hey Thanks JD... hopefully you will make friends and start liking my daughter :-)

Shanu said...

Jumped her from Choco's blog. Dude you have to thank her for drawing readers to ur post.

Back to the post: I am glad I dropped in here..bcoz now i can show my mom that aint the only one cockroaches are attracted to..I have u and all the ppl who commented for company!

ROFL at the roach flyin behind u and u runnin arnd superman ishtyle!!

This was the first time I have actually laughed out loud at some1 post..most of the times its just smile..sahi jaa raha dost..will chk out ur other posts :)

As the Mind Meanders said...

Thank You Shanu... may be you need to adopt a cockroach too :-)

doingmything said...

thank you thank you thank you..I am not the only one ...scared shitless I am of roaches!!!!!
Sky diving I can do anytime...roaches just plain terrify me.

BPOTW said...

*backs away slowly *

aahang said...

The post WAS a little long but you made it up to the reader with your emotional poem.
With a father like you I'm sure your cocky dear will survive all holocausts and so will you.
Keep trying our patience ....

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sm said...

excellent
like your post, giving thoughts after thoughts.

Meenakshi said...

amusing post... :)

Happy Blogging !

rebecca said...

Haha! You're brilliant! I can well understand your 'attraction' to cockroaches and, me, being of sound mind and body, do pronounce that I suffer of same.

Perhaps you've been reading The Metamorphosis and you now believe - delusionally, of course - to be George Samsa?

Good luck on your new hobby and friend and may it 'create' the life of which you seek....

rebecca said...

BTW, I'm posting this on my sidebar as one of the best posts of the month....

Choco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JR's Thumbprints said...

Those large hissing cockroaches make great pets and they multiple relatively quickly.

When I think of cockroaches, I think of Gregory Samsa. I blame that on Kafka.

Nikki said...

Update?

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ doingmything
For you... I recommend sky diving with a cockroach :-)

@ BPOTW
:-D

@ aahang
No... my cockies will outive me :-)

@ Choco
HA HA... and I am back...

@ SM
a penny for your thoughts :-)

@ Rebecca...
Thank You... I am honoured...

@ JR
Finally someone who thinks like me :-)

@ Nikki...
I am back (said a la Terminator)

Sangitha said...

Hahaha.. Oh boy!! this is one of the most funniest posts i hv read lately.. and that too on cockroaches.. I had to comment.. :-D
Wow..Kudos to ur imagination yaa..!!
I too get petrified of these horrible looking crawling creatures..but u hav found a novel way to overcome ur fear.. make one ur daughter.. err.. i wudnt want to make one my son thou.. :-P
Anyways i hav written a poem on cockroaches..out of fear obviously.. check it out.. Hope u find it readable enuf ;-)

Cya.. Take care..

Cheers,

Sangitha S.

As the Mind Meanders said...

@ Sangitha

Firstly... welome to my blog mate.. and I am happy that you liked this...

Anonymous said...

I'm sure... That you are capable... Of siring... A cockroach... So have you? Already? Sired one? A cockroach? Is it a female? Or a male? Roach? Do you keep it in your drain? Or on a bed? At night?

Anonymous said...

Continued...
Does it speak already? Do you wish to send it to school with normal humans? It is like you? Good at camouflage? Good at passing on as a human when its really a horrid roach with creamy white blood inside? Refer: All alien movies... Will it grow up to write like you? Your little roach? Is it brown or rare white? I give up... Its your insecticide fearful life after all!